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Submitted on
April 17, 2012
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Still your hand holds a sword
Still enemies shiver
Still death didn't take hold

Your blood is a river
Still in your veins it flows
And burns like a fever

But now your brave heart slows
Though standing you remain
Like avaiting more blows

So a hero is slain
Belt keeps you on your feet
Tied to stone with blood-stain

Soon you'll your father meet
After a raven lands
And your heart stops to beat

Though saying farewell to mortal lands
True warrior does not bow, but stands
13th poem for :iconnapowrimo2012:

A dicciotto for the #formfindsfunction's contest [link]

Cú Chulainn is an Irish mythological hero who appears in the stories of the Ulster Cycle, as well as in Scottish and Manx folklore. When mortally wounded, Cú Chulainn ties himself with his belt to a standing stone in order to die on his feet. Due to his ferocity even when so near death, it is only when a raven lands on his shoulder that his enemies believe he is dead.

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:iconparsat:
I applaud your choice of setting in a less popular mythology...it's not every day someone chooses to pen about Irish mythology. I also admire your choice of the diciotto, a form I myself would not write in, to convey the heroism of the protagonist. However, I couldn't help but feel rather underwhelmed when I read the piece. This is for a couple of reasons.

1. The rhyme is essential to diciotto form. There's only two requirements: the 18 syllable three-line stanzas, and the terza rima. I felt that some of your near rhymes fell flat and lacked that prosodic power (shiver/river and fever, sword and hold). The repetition of lands in two different lines, while employing different meanings, was simply not very fresh.
2. The flow of the piece is disrupted by uncomfortable grammar. For the subject of the piece, the grammar either feels too colloquial at times, or too forced. Lines such as "Soon you'll your father meet" or "True warrior does not bow, but stands" are very awkward to read, both on a visual and an auditory scale.
3. The poem doesn't move sufficiently beyond the sensory. It is dramatic, certainly, but I couldn't help but shrug off the feeling that there was not much more past a simple description of things. The beginning was better in this regard, but as the poem ran its course I couldn't really empathize with what was going on.

These three issues, I feel, are really hampering the poem from reaching its full potential. In the end, I had a feeling that the form was cramping the content...I would like to see the story stand firm just as Cu Chulainn did, fighting to the death, but in the end it only felt constrained by the diciotto.

Still, congratulations on your victory in our contest! I hope you'll continue to submit to FFF!

*Parsat
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconalex-ghost:
Alex-Ghost Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing.
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:iconmirachravaia:
MirachRavaia Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Student Writer
congrats! you placed 1st in :devformfondsfunction:'s first real contest!
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:iconmirachravaia:
MirachRavaia Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you very much! To tell the truth, I didn't think this one would place, I wasn't really content with it :)
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Student Writer
i very rarely think my most popular pieces are my best :)
Reply
:iconmirachravaia:
MirachRavaia Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
But the critique confirms what I think as well, I would rather like if something else would win...
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:iconvisanastasis:
VisAnastasis Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really must say, this one is one of my favorites poems of yours! :iconlove--plz:

It's little painful that I have to choose one favorite part, for whole poem is simply outstanding, but last lines are really wonderful touch that circles everything:

"Though saying farewell to mortal lands
True warrior does not bow, but stands... " :heart:
Reply
:iconmirachravaia:
MirachRavaia Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Nobody forces you to chose a favourite part, you know ;)
Thank you very much, I'm glad you like it!
Reply
:iconvisanastasis:
VisAnastasis Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, I know nobody forces me but.... I love to do itttttt!!!!! :iconlachoirplz:
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:iconannathelle26:
Annathelle26 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know him! I read in a book about him:) I always thought his story was beautiful. I'm glad you wrote a poem about him!
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